Makes Scents Daily Journal Entry .02

My cat died, I got laid off, cancer scare, and changing careers

I love that entry 2 in my DAILY journal is over 3 months overdue... but that's life, right? We have so much to catch up on as so much has happened. Towards the end of May, we discovered my cat Luna had a weird growth in her mouth. At first, I thought it was a allergic reaction to a new food I was giving her so but it turned out to be melanoma. My worst nightmare. 

Luna was my first cat as an adult and came into my life at a time when I was feeling at my lowest. I was having trouble eating, suffered from extreme depression and anxiety. I got her as a distraction while I figured out my life so finding out that she had melanoma and there was nothing we could do other than remove the tumor to make her more comfortable hurt. A few weeks after the surgery, a new tumor grew in her neck and the Vet informed us there was nothing to be done. 

During that time, I was meant to start back at the Troy Market in Upstate New York but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was falling back into depression and was trying to comprehend mourning for my cat that was still alive. My small business to a big backseat during this time and as I write this on August 11, it pretty much is still there. 

While all of this was happening, my partner also discovers discoloration in his foot and had to go get it checked out. We don't know what it is but we know he doesn't have a foot fungus which brings me back to feeling anxiety about the unknown. He had a biopsy done but we're now waiting for the results. I cried. A lot. I couldn't believe how much was being piled on but wait, there's more!

At beginning of June, the higher ups at my tech job told us they were cancelling our contract for a CRM software we use. If you don't know, I've worked in marketing for 9 years and CRM is a huge part of any company's success. Once I heard this, I knew something was up. I knew I wouldn't have a job for long after the contract ended and sure enough at the end of June they informed us that our employment at the company would come to an end and the app will be shut down. I had spent years considering leaving the company for better benefits and opportunity but now I no longer had a choice in the matter. Seven years went down the drain for the strategy business decisions that were beyond my control. but I digress. 

A week later, Luna started slowing down, hiding, not eating as much and I started to realize it might be time. But, how do you make the decision to end the life of an animal that helped bring you out of the darkest times in your life? I'm crying writing this because I made the quality of life call just last week. I couldn't watch her suffer anymore. She deserved to rest and I've been heartbroken since. 

Despite all that has happened in such a short period of time I decided to start back at the Troy Market to get my mind off of things. It's been refreshing in some ways to focus a bit more on my small business. I was able to bring some hand sewn products I haven't brought to this market before and debuted my hand sewn tote bags and keychains. 

For now, I'm feeling a little more inspired than usual. With being laid off, it's allowed me to think about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and I've had to really think about is marketing it for me? It's been hard applying to places and even when I do it's extremely discouraging considering the job market. That being said, I decided to take a interior architecture course and feel out potentially changing careers and going back to school for interior design. I've been taking the course for a couple of weeks and I honestly love it so much. I've had a lot of fun and watched a ton of youtube videos to learn more about the field and all it has to offer. 

I've even applied to a few colleges and am considering enrolling full-time to focus on a second bachelor's degree but this time, in Interior Design. It does feel weird though. As someone who has always been forced to be independent from a young age, leaning on my partner has been uncomfortable and a learning experience for me. But when I just think about the possibility of pursuing a career that allows me to be creative, it makes me feels inspired and hopeful that I'll get out of this dark place I'm in. 

I'm coping the best that I can and really, I don't know what the point of writing this all was for. It certainly isn't meant to be inspiring but as a human being behind the small business, I have other priorities and things happening that impact how much I can show up for my shop. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. I can't always be cheery and pretend everything is okay to make me seem more aspirational. This is life. And I'm taking it day by day. 

Just know, if you're going through something right now you're not alone. I'm right there with you and we'll get through it together <3 

Love,

Ashley